Real talk

So, I've been working on trying to eat, not only healthy, but also less.  I have been doing pretty good.....BUT IT SUCKS!  I want the biggest, greasiest burger and/or pizza (and by and/or, I mean both).  I then want to let all of that settle, eat some chips, Reese's candy, and a big glass of Kool-aid.  I've been staying at my mom's for about a week now, because it's been too dang hot to stay in my non-air conditioned apartment.  While the air conditioning has been great, there is so much junk food temptation here.  there are chips on the counter, pudding in the fridge and tons of pasta in the cupboard.  Last night there was a bunch of family here and while we had sandwiches for dinner, which was a healthier choice than pizza, there was still chips on the table.  I love the kinds of chips that are here and I could probably eat a whole bag, but I have been trying to control myself.  I have spent most of the day alone in the house with all of this junk food and I managed to make a healthy sandwich for lunch with some strawberry's on the side.  And you know what?  I'm still alive and I'm not hungry.  I think I'm proving to myself that I CAN control myself and maybe eventually fighting off unhealthy temptations won't be so difficult!  I'm feeling pretty great! I haven't worked out in the last few days..... So I guess I'm not doing TOO well. But I'm still working on figuring this all out.

I'll have what he's having!

Yesterday, I didn't really do much exercise and I felt so guilty.  I sat in my mom's house, watched cable, and took multiple naps before work (at a hotel, my summer job).  I did run around the hotel the whole night (minus the running) and walked up the 4 flights of stairs in my business suit multiple times, so I guess I did a little bit of exercising.  But when I woke up today, I decided that I would get myself out of bed and go to the gym.  It is quite a drive to the gym and I haven't used my membership in the last 2 months or more, but they have A/C (my apartment does not).  I normally wouldn't go on the weekends because I work every weekend at odd hours at the hotel so I'm not used to the Sunday crowd.  I have now realized, that I love the Sunday gym goers and I'll tell you why.  It was not very busy and I could use the machines I wanted AND be able to clean it before someone swooped in to use it.  Also, the people that were at the gym were pleasant and entertaining.  Generally, I think you can find entertainment at any place but the gym definitely has some interesting characters.  My favorite person today was a man who was either working out super hard core OR he thought he had to shower before using the machines, much like a public pool.  His shirt was dripping wet, but he did not care because he was jammin' out!  Every time he was using a machine, he had a smile on his face and was bobbing his head.  When he was walking to another machine, he was dancing and banging his head like "YES!  THIS was the song I needed to enhance my workout."  I could have watched him the whole time but unfortunately he must have left (maybe he needed to go home to get a dry shirt).  He proved to me that working out with the right music can be exhilarating.  With this mindset, I turned my Ipod up, increased my speed on my treadmill by .1 and I was good to go.  Before I knew it, I had gone farther on the treadmill than I had ever done in the past.  Yes, I know, an increase of .1 is not very much, but when you are out of shape and have asthma it can feel a lot faster.  Moral of the story today, a great playlist can help motivate you to increase your workout, even if it's just by a little bit. 

Musical motivation today: Jessie J and Eminem

Motivation to get back to my car

So today, I decided I would start this journey off with some walkin'.  I was super proud of myself last night for not eating a snack after I had dinner (although I had to shut my bedroom door because the fridge was smiling at me).  Normally, I would get a snack and while I'm still chewing the last of my cud, I would look for another delicious treat.  Lately, It's been a little harder, because I have $0 to get junk food but I can usually figure out a way to scrounge enough change to get a candy bar...  But last night, I forced myself to NOT get a snack.  And guess what?!  I woke up the next morning and the world didn't end.  So after I ate my left arm, I put on my yoga capri pants (which feel amazing but I'm sure they look awful if you're walking behind me...or walking towards me for that matter) put on my headband and I actually got out of my apartment, into my car and to Como Lake (which Google told me was 1.6 miles long).  Today was absolutely gorgeous, not very busy on the path and I felt great.  However, once I got halfway around, all I could think was "oh my god I still have to haul myself all the way back to my car."  I guess it's not a bad way to get motivation, but I think I'm thinking about this wrong.  My motivation shouldn't be to get to my vehicle where I could sit.  I noticed this mental pattern while I was walking though.  Even when I'm at the gym, I'm thinking how great it will feel to tell people that I worked out when I get home, I'll be able to lay down in bed and take a nap.  In my brain, it's not about the workout, it's about when I'll be FINALLY DONE and will be able to be lazy again.  Maybe my thinking will change as I start changing my diet more and don't feel like a slug.  I guess changing the way I think about exercise is one more thing I need to really work on, because I think this is how I failed in the past.

Side note: My musical motivation today consisted of Joss Stone and Ryan Montbleau.  I just love soul!

Singing Aladdin on the treadmill does NOT make friends....

Tonight after my consultation for Gastric Bypass Surgery and decision, instead, to go through an extreme (nonsurgical) weight loss program, I decided to jump out from the fridge I was trying to stay wedged in.  So what did I do?  I wrote a very public message on Facebook and started an even more public blog about my weigh loss journey!  Now, hopefully this isn't an awkward blog that I delete in a couple months while holding a bowl of ice cream, eating my feelings, and shamefully sabotaging myself.  But here's to hoping that I can find the strength to create a better healthier me!  I've been trying to hide that I'm fat for many years.  For instance, when I go out to eat with a skinny friend, order a salad, and only eat half of my burger and fries so that my friend thinks "wow, Laurel's so skinny.  I feel ashamed that I'm eating more than her".  By the time I've been home for an hour, I've eaten the rest of the burger and fries and am looking in the fridge for a snack.  I have been avoiding doing something about my weight because there is "always worse than me," but when my doctor told me that I qualified for Gastric Bypass surgery, I knew I had to do something.  I grew up in a low income family where eating soothed how we felt (or so we thought) and it was cheaper to buy bulk processed foods than buy good food to feed the family.  I did not have the luxury of entering sports until I was a teenager, but by that time, my distaste for exercise and sports had been fully rooted in my brain.  Working out makes me terrified that I look stupid on machines and that EVERYONE is staring at the huge wedgie I have or watching me sing along with Disney songs.  So, maybe I shouldn't sing out loud to a Whole New World, but dammit I want to see unbelievable sights and have indescribable feelings.  Maybe they'd like it if I didn't have to skip verses, because my fat ass was out of breath on the treadmill....walking (Note: I don't ACTUALLY do this, but as soon as this song comes on, I have to stop myself from singing).  Luckily, I'm pretty healthy for my weight, but my family history gives me hints of what lies ahead if I don't change my ways (including diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and heart problems).  So I'm making a blog, because maybe I can share my journey with the world and hold myself accountable.  I hope to keep up with this and maybe when I'm hungry at night for a snack, I'll just write a post instead.  :) Wish me luck!